Farmer Dylan's Famous Totally Magical Tomatoes
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Roger's new persona is Farmer Dylan, a farmer who possesses magical tomatoes. But will his persona bring on a new craze?


One day in the Smith Home Roger was making wine mixes and singing to himself. Then Francine came into the room.

"Hey Frannie, Farmer Dylan here. Do you want a Bloody Mary?" asked Roger.

"Hey, Roger, um, no, and have you seen my tomato seeds anywhere?" asked Francine.

"Um, no Frannie, I haven't seen them at all. They sorta disappeared and stuff" replied Roger.

"If you say so Roger, but I've got my eyes on you" said Francine leaving the kitchen. Roger dashed upstairs into the attic. He checked on his potted plants, growing tomatoes. They were ready to be picked.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, the tomatoes have grown. I love tomatoes!" said Roger. Roger rushed downstairs, sneaking by Francine and showing Stan his plants.

"Look Staneul, my tomato plants have grown" said Roger.

"I'm not sure those are exactly your 'tomato plants' Roger" said Stan.

"Excuse me Roger, those are MY tomato plants" said Francine. Roger donned a farmer outfit.

"Most of them are..except THIS ONE!" said Roger. Roger picked a tomato and began rubbing it with his hands.

"What are you doing to that tomato?" asked Francine.

"Something special, a ritual. Never mind! I'm going to sell it" said Roger dashing out the door.

Francine and Stan exchanged glances.

"Is it just me, or is Roger being really bizarre?" said Stan.

THE NEXT DAY...

"Hey, Roger what the hell are you doing?" asked Stan as he noticed Roger had opened up what looked like a lemonade stand, with a lone tomato in the center of the display.

"Sellin' tomatoes, bitch, don't cramp my style" said Roger.

"I'd never dream of doing that" said Stan. Just then Stan realized that people were lining up to try Roger's tomato.

"How does that tomato keep bringing back customers? It's not like he's selling lots of tomatoes" thought Stan. Stan cut in front of the line to speak to Roger, AKA Farmer Dylan The First.

"Hey Stan, it's me, Farmer Frederick Albinito Dylan the First. I'm royalty among tomato farmers and you need to get back in line" said Roger.

"I JUST HAD A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR WONDERFUL FOOD PRODUCT, FARMER DYLAN!" yelled Stan.

"Here take some Italian bread" said Roger handing Stan some Italian bread.

"Where did that come from?" asked Stan. Roger grimaced.

"Oh I see you wanted French bread? Ukrainian bread? Bread? Bread?" asked Roger over and over.

"I don't want bread I want to know how Mr. Dylan's tomato keeps on regenerating" said Stan.

"Bread! Bread!" yelled Roger over and over. Stan rolled his eyes.

"Oh yeah, it's definitely hopeless. I'm gonna call up Bullock tomorrow and ask him about this" thought Stan.

"Bread! Bread!" yelled Roger repeatedly. "Bread. Bread!" Then Stan began to say 'Bread' over and over in unison with Roger. Finally Stan realized it was a trick.

"Enough of this liberal propaganda, what are you putting in that tomato that makes it regenerate? What motivates you?" yelled Stan.

"It's a gift that keeps on giving. It's like what Jesus did, but I'm using a lone isolated tantalizing tasty tomato instead of a thousand flopping fish demanding to be electrocuted" said Roger. Someone punched Stan in the face.

"Get back in line you skunk. I don't care how much you want a sampling of Farmer Dylan's tomatoes" said the man.

"Farmer Dylan?" Stan thought to himself. "This must be Roger's new persona!"

THE NEXT DAY...

"Step right up everyone, get a free sample of Farmer Dylan's all natural organic tomato" said Roger. A long line of customers could be seen. Stan and Francine were eager to get a sampling.

"What do you suppose he did with that tomato?" asked Stan.

"It's terrible," said Francine. "I wanted to be the one to sell those tomatoes...but they'll never buy these, these ones just don't seem to regenerate the way Farmer Dylan's tomatoes do" said Francine.

"Magical regenerating tomatoes. There must be a source for this incredible food product" said Stan.

Stan called Bullock.

"Hey, B man, it's the S man, giving you a glorious American call" said Stan.

"Deputy Director Bullock here. What is it you 'need to know'?" asked Bullock.

"I want to know if you guys can make a magical regenerating tomato" said Stan.

"No, I'm sorry to say we can't, but just so you know we here down at the CIA are watching Farmer Dylan very very carefully. We think his abilities are almost nonhuman and we'd love to get our hands on some of his technology" said Bullock.

"OH NO! They're gonna think Roger's an alien" thought Stan.

That night...

Stan snuck over to where Roger was sleeping. Roger was cuddling his magic tomato.

"I'm gonna totally eat that tomato over and over and over again. Consuming things helps the glorious corporate spirit" thought Stan.

"You'll always come back to me, if you ever leave, you'll always regenerate for Roger won'tcha baby?" said Roger in his sleep, French kissing the tomato. Stan was icked out, but he slowly reached for the tomato that Roger was clutching. Then, without a moment to spare, Stan attempted to leave the room, but tripped on his shoelace. He landed smack dab on the floor, waking up Roger. Roger shrieked, but oddly, went right back to sleep.

"Huh? What? Put the ball game on freeze Frannie it starts in eight minutes right after the Jerry Lewis telethon" muttered Roger, going back to sleep. Stan breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Then he retied his shoelaces and with the tomato in tow, giddily raced downstairs, chuckling and guffawing uncontrollably. Then he went back to bed with Francine, ate the tomato, watched it regenerate, and placed the tomato in the nearbye drawer.

The following morning...

Roger was waking up, ready and eager to start a new day of doing absoloutely nothing at all.

"YES, this is so awesome. I am so ready to start this new day of absoloute meaningless bullshit. Donut scarfing, television watching, alcohol abusing bliss..except I just require one little thing, a tomato!" said Roger. Then he suddenly remembered his special tomato.

"WHAT? MY TOMATO IS GONE! My world famous Roger's Regenerating Tomatoes. I must have dozed off reading that Robert Frost poem what was that again?" thought Roger.

Two tomato chunks submerged in a tasty tomato soup

And sorry I could not eat both,

And be one tomato, long it sat,

And regenerated as often as it could.

Quoth the carrot, never more.

Roger: YEAH, THAT ONE!

The next day, at CIA HQ:

Stan brought a middle aged farmer in to the lab, along with Roger's tomato.

"Yeah, so I found this guy, and after blasting him with a top secret brain zap ray over and over he finally decided his name was Farmer Dylan" said Stan. Bullock was pleased.

"Excellent Mr. Smith, you've found Farmer Dylan, wait what did you say I missed some of that" said Bullock. Stan looked embarresed. He didn't realize he had said too much.

"Um, nothing, I was saying that I found Farmer Dylan, and I didn't have to do anything he just said 'Hi there I'm totally Farmer Freaking Dylan' and I said 'Great, I'm Mr. Stan Smith' and he was happy to come in to headquarters" said Stan. Bullock smiled at the old middle aged man.

"Sir, we think you might be an alien, unless you can tell us how you regenerate those tomatoes. The knowledge would benefit all mankind, we could regenerate lost limbs if we knew how you do your thing" said Bullock. The old man just chuckled.

"Heh, heh, I'm Bob Dylan" said the old man.

"He means he's Farmer Dylan, aheheh" said Stan.

"So I hear. Well, we don't have a shortage of Dylans here, but we might as well add one to the list. Come on Farmer Dylan, show me that regenerating tomato" said Bullock. Stan placed Roger's magical tomato in Bullock's hand.

"Eat it!" said Stan.

"That's not a very nice thing to say to your boss" replied Bullock.

"No I mean you should totally eat the tomato" said Stan. Bullock ate the tomato.

"My god, bloody hell, that was the tastiest damn tomato I've ever eaten" declared Bullock.

"Yeah, I thought it was pretty awesome too" said Stan.

"Yet I can't decipher the technology. This farmer must be an alien" concluded Bullock.

"I totally just saved Roger's ass" Stan thought to himself, as the innocent farmer was dragged into a dark evil looking room kicking and screaming.

THE NEXT DAY...

"Hey, Frannie can you give me one of your tomatoes I wanna hold one in my hand and rub it to make it magical" asked Roger.

"What is that supposed to mean? I'm very busy Roger I'm washing the dishes and serving the laundry" said Francine.

"Well, when you're done with that, I need one of your tomatoes. Those plants you've been hiding from me for so long" said Roger.

"Oh no, you're not gonna do anything to those plants," said Francine clutching her potted tomato plants. "I've worked too hard nurturing these things to give them to the likes of you so you can alter them"

"GIVE ME ONE!" yelled Roger violently snatching a tomato from the plant. He began juggling it and laughing hysterically.

"Yay, I got a tomato! Now I'm gonna go do that thing I always do with it" said Roger.

"What could that be?" wondered Francine.

The next day Roger was at it again, selling his tomato plant as Farmer Dylan. Bullock called Stan on the phone.

"Agent Smith it seems as though we have a full scale alien invasion. A new Farmer Dylan has shown up in the Langley area" said Bullock.

"OH NO! ROGER!" yelled Stan. Stan hung up. He ran up to Roger. He grabbed the tomato away from him, and zapped him with a stun gun. Then Stan took control of the stand by placing a fake robot Stan in front of it.

"Hey everyone I'm farmer Dylan and I sell tomatoes" said Robot Stan. The crowd was confused.

"I need to warn you people not to eat anything produced by me or anyone named Farmer Dylan. You're all going to turn into radioactive Godzilla mutants"

The crowd screamed and ran away. Then Stan laughed.

"I totally just saved Roger's life" Stan said to himself laughing.

"NOW TELL ME HOW YOU MADE A MAGICAL REGENERATING TOMATO!" Stan yelled at Roger, strangling him.

Meanwhile, at the CIA HQ:

"This is so bizzare," said Bullock. "This farmer appears to be a perfectly normal functioning human being. I can't for the life of me figure out what he did to the tomato. Maybe we should try zapping it" he added. Every spy started zapping the tomato with ray guns. Tomato juice flew everywhere, and continued in what seemed like a loop, the tomato exploded over and over and over and over, sending tomato juice on all the agents.

"This has been a really fun day hasn't it boys? A lot of vegetable blood lost, but luckily no one got hurt" said Bullock, licking the juice off of his lips.

THE END

Roger: OH NO, the story isn't ending yet.

You haven't heard the epic poem about Roger and the Magical Furry Cat Princess who Craves Artichokes.

ROGER AND THE CAT PRINCESS WHO CRAVES ARTICHOKES!

COMING SOON!

THE END


End file.
